Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I called a Number ....
I called a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Larry's Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Taxi is here....
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani..
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
She was so Blonde....
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Murphy's Law
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
India....
India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grandmother of tradition.
.... nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds.
Mark Twain
Friday, August 13, 2010
How do you decide Whom to Marry (Written by Kids)
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Permission from Dog
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Relationship between Two Eyes
Do you know the relation between two eyes?
They never see each other....... ...
BUT
They blink together
They move together
They cry together
They see things together
They sleep together
They share a very deeply bonded relationship.
However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!
Moral of the story:
A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!
They never see each other....... ...
BUT
They blink together
They move together
They cry together
They see things together
They sleep together
They share a very deeply bonded relationship.
However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!
Moral of the story:
A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!
Monday, August 9, 2010
World's Easiest Quiz
Questions
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Orange (of course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too...!!! (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some "brilliant" friends, so that they may feel useless too!
Blonde's Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to
town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers.
The blonde looked at the cop and said, Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog.
town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat the officer said.
The blonde replied, No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that
shade tree.
shade tree.
The policeman said, No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
No way, said the blonde. My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I
fed her this morning.
The exasperated policeman said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!
No way, said the blonde. My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I
fed her this morning.
The exasperated policeman said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!
(You've got to love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
Happy Friendship Day
Considering the valuable role friends play in our life it was deemed to fit to have a day dedicated to friends and friendship. The United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely popular.
Following the popularity and success of Friendship Day in US, several other countries adopted the tradition of dedicating a day to friends.
In 1997, the United Nations named Winnie - the Pooh as the world's Ambassador of Friendship.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Satisfaction
Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Soldier's Letter
A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T
SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS,
BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:
M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.
O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.
T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.
H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.
R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.
THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.
A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.
T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.
H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.
R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.
AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:
B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.
A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.
B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.
Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."
SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER SO SHE
WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:
B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.
S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.
T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.
F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.
R- IS THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.
I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.
E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.
N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.
D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.
AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS FUCKIN' WHILE YOU WERE
AWAY.
SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS,
BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:
M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.
O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.
T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.
H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.
R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.
THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.
A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.
T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.
H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.
R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.
AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:
B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.
A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.
B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.
Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."
SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER SO SHE
WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:
B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.
S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.
T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.
F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.
R- IS THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.
I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.
E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.
N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.
D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.
AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS FUCKIN' WHILE YOU WERE
AWAY.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Robbery
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.
"Hello," says the man answering it.
"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the housekeeper."
"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."
"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out."
"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"
"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it."
"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you've been missing."
"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?"
"In the jewellery box on the dresser, of course!"
"And how did you lock it?"
"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his instructions.
"Good! And where did you put the key?"
"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china."
"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised."
"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper."
"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
"You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
"Hello," says the man answering it.
"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the housekeeper."
"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."
"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out."
"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"
"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it."
"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you've been missing."
"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?"
"In the jewellery box on the dresser, of course!"
"And how did you lock it?"
"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his instructions.
"Good! And where did you put the key?"
"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china."
"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised."
"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper."
"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
"You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Laugh a Bit
Anal Glaucoma
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Pervasiveness of marketing
The professor was making a point about the pervasiveness of marketing. He asked his students, "Which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
"United."
"Correct. Can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
"American Express."
"Right. Now tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
"My Mom."
The professor was making a point about the pervasiveness of marketing. He asked his students, "Which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
"United."
"Correct. Can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
"American Express."
"Right. Now tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
"My Mom."
Union talks
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
Monday, July 26, 2010
Route 119
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"
"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119."
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"
"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119."
What To Do When Your Internet Goes Down
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there’s something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.
8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.
9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.
10. Tylenol… Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!
11. Do shopping with clothes on.
12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there’s something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.
8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.
9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.
10. Tylenol… Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!
11. Do shopping with clothes on.
12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Work Appearance
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Computer Programming
More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.
Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.
Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Job Market
If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Intelligent Animal
Q: What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
A: The dog. He will walk up to anything and smell it. If he can't eat it or mate with it, he will piss on it!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Her & His Dairy
HER DIARY:
Dear Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...
HIS DIARY:
My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Dear Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...
HIS DIARY:
My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Surgeon and a Mechanic ....
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a
look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "hello doctor!! Please come
over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
...
...
...
...
...
...
He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ".
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a
look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "hello doctor!! Please come
over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
...
...
...
...
...
...
He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ".
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Simple Workouts to keep Unfit....
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Thursday, July 8, 2010
2 Priests
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
Monday, July 5, 2010
Honest Work
A college coed finished her degree at a college in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancé had another semester to go to finish his degree and then they planned to marry in the spring. So the young woman decided to get a job until her fiancé finished school, but the only job she could find in the town was on a farm doing manual labour.
Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe. Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancé graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license.
The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride to be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation.
She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."
The clerk looked at her to be husband and then her with a dumbfounded look on his face and then she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."
Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe. Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancé graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license.
The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride to be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation.
She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."
The clerk looked at her to be husband and then her with a dumbfounded look on his face and then she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."
Standing Commuter
This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.
"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"
The Reply to the above:
"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"
And the Counter-Reply was:
"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town `seated' on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long `Standing' Commuter"
"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"
The Reply to the above:
"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"
And the Counter-Reply was:
"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town `seated' on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long `Standing' Commuter"
Truck Driver
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, is he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, is he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Female Wavelenght
Last night Man and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the i Pod, and the X box, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 morals of this story are:
1. Think about what you wish for.
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the i Pod, and the X box, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 morals of this story are:
1. Think about what you wish for.
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Looking into not so far away Future.....
Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come!
1. The Post Office.
Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
2. The Check.
Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
3. The Newspaper.
The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspapers. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services. The younger generations seem to think that the "news" online is free.
They appear to be ignorant of the fact that some reporter had to report that news in the first place and was probably getting paid by one of the news services or a newspaper. As these reporters are getting laid off, less news will be reported. It sound like the newspapers are finally getting smarter but they've been giving their product away for free.
4. The Book
You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.
5. The Land Line Telephone.
Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they're always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.
6. Music.
This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates simply self-destruction. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalogue items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit.
7. Television.
Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing all lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online.
8. The "Things" That You Own.
Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider.
9. Privacy.
If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. And "They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.
All we will have that can't be changed are Memories
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)