Laugh a Bit

Anal Glaucoma

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

Pervasiveness of marketing

The professor was making a point about the pervasiveness of marketing. He asked his students, "Which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United."

"Correct. Can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

"American Express."

"Right. Now tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

"My Mom."

Union talks

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

Work Appearance

Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.

Computer Programming

More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

Job Market

If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Prisoners Vs Employees

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behaviour with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmm ?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for.........

Team Work

TEAM = Together Everyone Achieve More

This is the real meaning of team work

Beware of Virus called WORK

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have friends and you have already been infected and WORK is sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

Appraisal Dream

Before Appraisal

Dream Appraisal
Reality Appraisal

Memo

To: ALL STAFF
From: THE MANAGEMENT
Subject: The Use of Bad Language in the Work Place
It has been brought to the attention of the management that some people have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated in the work place. However, because we appreciate the importance and value of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees, the Human Resources section has compiled a list of 'phrase replacements' so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive co-workers.

"You fucking loser" becomes "Well that was unfortunate"
"No fucking way" becomes "I'm fairly sure that's not feasible"
"You're fucking kidding" becomes "Really!"
"Tell someone who gives a fuck" becomes Have you run that by anyone else?"
"No cunt told me" becomes "I wasn't involved in that project"
"I don't have fucking time" becomes "Perhaps I can work late"
"Who fucking cares" becomes "Are you sure that's a problem"
"Eat shit and die" becomes "You don't say"
"Eat shit and die motherfucker" becomes "You don't say, Sir"
"Kiss my arse" becomes "So you'd like me to help you"
"He's a fucking prick" becomes "He's somewhat intensive"
"She's a ball busting bitch" becomes "She's an aggressive go-getter"
"You haven't got a fucking clue" becomes "You could use more training"
"This place is fucked" becomes "We're a bit disorganised today"
"What sort of fuckwit are you" becomes "You're new here aren't you"
"Fuck off shithead" becomes "Well there you go"
"You're a fucking wanker" becomes "You're my superior, I respect you"
"Fuck off dickhead" becomes "I no longer require your help"
"Fuck off" becomes "I'll see to it and get back to you"
"How did you get this piece of shit to work" becomes "Well done"