To: ALL STAFF
From: THE MANAGEMENT
Subject: The Use of Bad Language in the Work Place
It has been brought to the attention of the management that some people have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated in the work place. However, because we appreciate the importance and value of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees, the Human Resources section has compiled a list of 'phrase replacements' so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive co-workers.
"You fucking loser" becomes "Well that was unfortunate"
"No fucking way" becomes "I'm fairly sure that's not feasible"
"You're fucking kidding" becomes "Really!"
"Tell someone who gives a fuck" becomes Have you run that by anyone else?"
"No cunt told me" becomes "I wasn't involved in that project"
"I don't have fucking time" becomes "Perhaps I can work late"
"Who fucking cares" becomes "Are you sure that's a problem"
"Eat shit and die" becomes "You don't say"
"Eat shit and die motherfucker" becomes "You don't say, Sir"
"Kiss my arse" becomes "So you'd like me to help you"
"He's a fucking prick" becomes "He's somewhat intensive"
"She's a ball busting bitch" becomes "She's an aggressive go-getter"
"You haven't got a fucking clue" becomes "You could use more training"
"This place is fucked" becomes "We're a bit disorganised today"
"What sort of fuckwit are you" becomes "You're new here aren't you"
"Fuck off shithead" becomes "Well there you go"
"You're a fucking wanker" becomes "You're my superior, I respect you"
"Fuck off dickhead" becomes "I no longer require your help"
"Fuck off" becomes "I'll see to it and get back to you"
"How did you get this piece of shit to work" becomes "Well done"
