Daily Digest

Nice Bag:

Big Bang ….
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm"
(instead of organism).
At the end of the student's essay, the
teacher commented,
"Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang
Theory."

Attitude Problem:

Mental Problem ….
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?"

Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"

The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"

Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"

Truck Accident:

Q & A ….

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

Refried Sugar:

Phantom Strikes Again ….
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and
"cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little
Johnny, but could not prove it.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too
young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close
our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I
want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to
tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw
Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All
right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little
Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased.
Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes
again!"

Loss Prevention Officer:

New Golf Terms ….

(1) A "Paris Hilton,"-- an expensive hole
(2) A "James Joyce,"-- an impossible read
(3) A "Rock Hudson,"-- looked straighter than it was
(4) A "Cuban,"-- needed one more revolution
(5) An "Elton John,"-- a big bender that lips the rim
(6) A "Monica Lewinsky"-- all lip, no hole
(7) A "Lou Gehrig,"-- a dead Yank
(8) A "German,"-- a hookenflecker
(9) An "Adolf Hitler,"-- two shots in the bunker
(10) A "Saddam Hussein,"-- from one bunker straight into another
(11) A "Yasser Arafat,"-- ugly and in the sand
(12) A "Kate Winslett,"-- little bit fat but otherwise perfect
(13) A "John Kennedy, Jr.,"-- didn't make it over the water
(14) An "Elephant's Ass,"-- it's high and it stinks
(15) A "Rodney King,"-- over-clubbed
(16) An "O.J. Simpson,"-- got away with it
(17) A "Princess Grace,"-- should have taken a driver
(18) A "Princess Di,"-- shouldn't have taken a driver
(19) A "George W.,"-- steadily fading
(20) A "condom,"-- safe, but didn't feel very good
(21) An "Anna Kournikova," -- looks great, but unlikely to get a result
(22) A "Brazilian," -- shaved the hole
(23) A "Rush Limbaugh,"-- too far to the right
(24) A "Nancy Pelosi,"-- too far to the left
(25) A "Nelson Rockefeller" -- died in the hole

My Beer: