Wrong Flowers ….A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Grandma’s Birth Control Pills:
Rear Admiral Forever …. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, had bought new shoes for her wedding. On the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.
That night, after the festivities were over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Rear Admiral Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
Movie Ratings ....PG: The good guy gets the girl.
PG-13: The bad guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy and the good guy get the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl.
Another Branch ....A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand
and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again
and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied,
"Well, sir, business is going so well
I decided to open another branch".
Understood or Shall I repeat :
Unionized Plumber ....When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m., the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone "He's on his Way home , but is going back to the office around 8, Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time?"
Grandpa Makes Money …. The Tax Department decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Tax Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.
The taxman says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned taxman now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax man's desk.
The tax man leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the taxman asks Grandpa's solicitor.
