Women’s Rules for Men
Call.
Don’t lie.
The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.” Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is excellent.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
You’re wrong.
You’re sorry.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so-names.
Her haircut is never bad.
Call
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything out
Men’s Rules For Women
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall.
Shopping is not fascinating.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?
The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc), should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time.
If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to Sit through “Showgirls”.
“Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was not looking at that other girl.
Well, okay… maybe a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.
He does not just want to be friends.
