She was so Blonde....

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Relationship between Two Eyes

Do you know the relation between two eyes?

They never see each other....... ...

BUT


They blink together

They move together

They cry together

They see things together

They sleep together

They share a very deeply bonded relationship.

However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!

Moral of the story:

A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!

Car Vs Girl.....Which one Tough choice

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

                 #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

                #9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

                #8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

                #7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

                #6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

                #5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

                #4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

                #3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

                #2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

                And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:

                #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

Parking Skills

Female Wavelenght

Last night Man and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.

He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the i Pod, and the X box, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

He ALMOST DIED!!

The 2 morals of this story are:
1. Think about what you wish for.
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.

A Woman wanted 710

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Garage. A woman came in & asked for a 'seven-hundred-ten'.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten, Ma'am?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it & need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710!!

Mechanic & I simply could not figure out the part!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed & said, "Of course, it's right here. That’s the part I am talking about."

Look at the below photo to learn what a "710" part is...

Women Can Keep Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

You Must Bring Your Own

Makeover

This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008. The competition was between 9 women for best makeover. They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest. Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no ugly women only poor women.
The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.

Irresistible

Jeans at 70% Discount.....Imagine 100% Discount

Women Vs Men

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Jealousy

Why are Girls Jealous? This question can be answered by any nerd on this planet.
Now We don't want to write an whole article on jealous girls the intention in here is to share some funny photos of women being jealous of other women, because of good physic or some really good assets.

Thoughts

This diagram demonstrates the THOUGHTS in a Male & Female brain during the simple question:"Shall we go for a Party?".

Rules for Men & Women

Women’s Rules for Men

Call.

Don’t lie.

The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.” Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”

Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.

A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

Her cooking is excellent.

Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.

You’re wrong.

You’re sorry.

Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so-names.

Her haircut is never bad.

Call

Don’t lie.

The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything out

Men’s Rules For Women

If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall.

Shopping is not fascinating.

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc), should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

He heard you the first time.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Dogs good. Cats bad.

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to Sit through “Showgirls”.

“Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

He was not looking at that other girl.

Well, okay… maybe a little.

Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.

He does not just want to be friends.