Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?' 

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

Relationship between Two Eyes

Do you know the relation between two eyes?

They never see each other....... ...

BUT


They blink together

They move together

They cry together

They see things together

They sleep together

They share a very deeply bonded relationship.

However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!

Moral of the story:

A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!

Perfect Timing

Parking Fail

Route 119

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"

"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119."

Female Wavelenght

Last night Man and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.

He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the i Pod, and the X box, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

He ALMOST DIED!!

The 2 morals of this story are:
1. Think about what you wish for.
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.

Treadmil Dancing

Art Work

A Woman wanted 710

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Garage. A woman came in & asked for a 'seven-hundred-ten'.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten, Ma'am?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it & need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710!!

Mechanic & I simply could not figure out the part!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed & said, "Of course, it's right here. That’s the part I am talking about."

Look at the below photo to learn what a "710" part is...

Female Plumber

Last Names

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to
find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Why Spelling of Woman starts with a W?

Because All questions in the world starts with W..!
Such as.
who
why
what
when
which
whom
where
wife…?

A Typical Woman

Finally - an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!

Element: Woman

Symbol: WO+

Discoverer: Adam Edenwarden

Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with thin film of make-up.

2. Boils at room temperature.

3. Freezes without any known reason.

4. Melts if given special treatment.

5. Bitter if incorrectly used.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of Precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in social gatherings.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Can be very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.

2. Turns pale green when placed beside a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

WARNING!!!!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS !

Installing a Husband

Woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Reply :

Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

You Gotta Laugh at these ....