Football Match

When its okay to use the F*** word!!

Wife Wanted Ad

A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonial published in it.

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR:

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.

I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it Anacin, Metacin or Crocin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRINKER:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home.

Friends come home only seven times a week.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User) .

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.

Low Bugs can be deferred but need to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

Lucky

Chauffeur

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kmph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motor cycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kmph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

By The Rivers of Babylon South Indian Style

Flatmobile

Just 48 cm in height, the Flatmobile earned a spot in the Guinness Book of Records as the lowest car in the world. The Flatmobile was built by Perry Watkins from Buckinghamshire, UK.

Women Vs Men

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Royal Enfield

Life Goes On .... Drive Carefully

Lawyers

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night..."Dad, listen," he shouted,"I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

Refree Training

Where we are?

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches.
They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.
Finally they stopped for lunch.
After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us?
Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Kuchh Nai

How often have you asked a friend, who is visiting you in the evening, "What will you have?" and been told "Kuchh Nai"?* especially, from the friend's wife? So now, this Punjabi gentleman in England has come up with the appropriate response: He promptly pulls out THIS bottle!!

Please note the name he has given his distillery! True 'Punjab Da Puttar' (son of Punjab -- the land of the Five Rivers)!!

Why??

Read this, even you will think "WHY?"

If swimming is a good exercise to stay fit, then WHY WHALES are fat?

WHY is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to die?

Shall I say that there is racial discrimination in CHESS as WHITE piece is moved first?

In our Country, we have freedom for SPEECH, then WHY telephone bills?

If MONEY doesn’t grow on tress then WHY do BANKS have branches?

WHY does a round PIZZA come in a SQUARE box?

WHY doesn’t GLUE stick to its bottle?

WHY do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?

If its true that WE are here to help others, then what OTHERS are here for?

If you aren’t supposed to DRINK AND DRIVE, then WHY do BARS have parking lots?

WE are funny people living in a SERIOUSLY funny world!!!!!!!!!!

Marriage....This is how it really looks

Pre-Superbowl Ads

Some Laughs

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday


*********


Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?


*********


Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


*********


Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


*********


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


*********


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


*********


Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


*********


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.


*********


Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!


*********

Lawn Mower

Colonoscopy

A guy went into his proctologist's office for his first rectal exam. The
nurse, Helen (new to the job), took him to an examining room and told him
to get undressed and to have a seat until the doctor could see him. She
said that the doc would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave him, he sat down. While waiting,
he observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of lubricant
A rubber glove
And a beer

When the doctor finally came in he said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam..
I know what the lubricant is for
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Dan scrunched up his face in irritation and stormed over to
the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse...
Darn it Helen !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!

Oldest Trick in the World

Love your Job, No matter what you do

The Gymnast

Restaurant Specials

A Cannibal walks into a Cannibal Restaurant..

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant run by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry,

he sat down and looked over the menu....

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

Lighter Moments

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "

****
What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

****

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,

so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

****

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "

His father replied :

" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,

because I still have mine. "

****

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I'm facing the same problem with his father !

Savitri -- Janam Janam Ka Saathi

Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the

FA Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes
along and asks if anyone is sitting in

the seat next to him ........

"No", he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" Said the man,
who in their right mind would have a seat

like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest

sporting event of the year, and not use it? "

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.

My wife was supposed to come with me but she

passed away.

This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to

together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that."

That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or

even a neighbour to take the seat? "

The man shakes his head .....

“No. They're all at the funeral."

Crowing Glory

Appraisal Dream

Before Appraisal

Dream Appraisal
Reality Appraisal

Love Fades

How You Know When Love Fades...

I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, sweetums? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "I'd love chicken, thank you."

She replied, "F*ck you. You're having hamburger. I was talking to the cat."

English for Tourists

In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."