Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I called a Number ....
I called a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Larry's Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Taxi is here....
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani..
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
She was so Blonde....
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Murphy's Law
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
India....
India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grandmother of tradition.
.... nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds.
Mark Twain
Friday, August 13, 2010
How do you decide Whom to Marry (Written by Kids)
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Permission from Dog
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Relationship between Two Eyes
Do you know the relation between two eyes?
They never see each other....... ...
BUT
They blink together
They move together
They cry together
They see things together
They sleep together
They share a very deeply bonded relationship.
However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!
Moral of the story:
A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!
They never see each other....... ...
BUT
They blink together
They move together
They cry together
They see things together
They sleep together
They share a very deeply bonded relationship.
However, when they see a woman, one will blink and the other will not!
Moral of the story:
A woman can break any kind of relationship! !!
Monday, August 9, 2010
World's Easiest Quiz
Questions
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Orange (of course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too...!!! (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some "brilliant" friends, so that they may feel useless too!
Blonde's Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to
town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers.
The blonde looked at the cop and said, Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog.
town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat the officer said.
The blonde replied, No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that
shade tree.
shade tree.
The policeman said, No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
No way, said the blonde. My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I
fed her this morning.
The exasperated policeman said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!
No way, said the blonde. My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I
fed her this morning.
The exasperated policeman said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!
(You've got to love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
Happy Friendship Day
Considering the valuable role friends play in our life it was deemed to fit to have a day dedicated to friends and friendship. The United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed first Sunday of August as the National Friendship Day. Since then, celebration of National Friendship Day became an annual event. The noble idea of honoring the beautiful relationship of friendship caught on with the people and soon Friendship Day became a hugely popular.
Following the popularity and success of Friendship Day in US, several other countries adopted the tradition of dedicating a day to friends.
In 1997, the United Nations named Winnie - the Pooh as the world's Ambassador of Friendship.
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