Drive to the Beach....FAIL

Honking FAIL

Parking Skills

Parking Fail

English for Tourists

In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

Random Stuff

Free:

Wrong Flowers ….
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Grandma’s Birth Control Pills:

Rear Admiral Forever ….

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, had bought new shoes for her wedding. On the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.

That night, after the festivities were over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Rear Admiral Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

Admiral Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Only in Manitoba:

Movie Ratings ....

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The good guy gets the girl.

PG-13: The bad guy gets the girl.

R: The bad guy and the good guy get the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother and their cocker spaniel.

Sign FAIL:

Another Branch ....
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand
and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again
and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied,
"Well, sir, business is going so well
I decided to open another branch".

Understood or Shall I repeat :Unionized Plumber ....

A union plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m., the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone "He's on his Way home , but is going back to the office around 8, Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time?"

Advertising:
Grandpa Makes Money ….

The Tax Department decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Tax Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The taxman says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned taxman now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax man's desk.
The tax man leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the taxman asks Grandpa's solicitor.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for a tax audit, he bet me 10,000 dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be very happy about it!'

Daily Digest

Oustralia

You already know ….
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching
channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play Hockey!"
Pothles:

Add Spice ….
Mary: My #1 ex was probably the dumbest of all.
Jill: Why do you say that?
Mary: He came into the bedroom one night holding a
jalapeno pepper in his hand. I said, "Why in hell did you
bring that pepper to the bedroom?"
Jill: Well, what did he say?
Mary: He said, "You told me to add spice to our sex life.
Fact of Life:

Suspicion ….
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After an hour of wild, passionate sex, the wife, still in ecstatic reverie, switched on the lights and blurted,

"WELL - Are you surprised?"

"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
I like this:

Daily Randomness

Lucky House ....or may be not:

Emergency Brake ….

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Free Air Guitar:

The Final Exam ....

At a State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry
and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to State University until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final,
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next
day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam..

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy. ...

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Purse:

Q & A ….

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that, what the heck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Beach:

Anger Management ….

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet.
Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.

His & Hers: